4 June 2025

The Premier League season is over. Who’s up, who’s down and who had the best haircut?

High fives to Spurs, and boo to Fifa and Uefa.

With no Premier League football cluttering up the back pages, the papers can now devote themselves entirely to tennis, cricket and, if necessary, backgammon. But the season isn’t truly over, of course, until we’ve looked back on its highlights, surprises and oddities…

Well done to Chelsea for waking up at the end of the season and wining a Euro pot, or whatever it was.

High fives to Spurs for finishing a magnificent 17th in the Prem, one place above the drop. And also winning a Euro pot. I am currently living on an 1898 Dutch barge on the Isle of Wight and my wi-fi is rubbish, but I did manage to see most of their incredible victory in the European Milk Trophy. I was immediately dancing on the deck. The whole team should get knighthoods in the summer honours and the manager be made a lord. Hold on, are there any Brits among them? Well, that saves in paperwork and medals.

Hard cheese to Cole Palmer on a poor season. Bound to happen, after all the plaudits last year. But my heart mostly goes out to Garnacho of Man United. Everything seemed to have gone wrong, the manager stopped picking him, so he wants to get away. Poor lad. I know what it is like not to be wanted. It was early this season I was dropped by the Sunday Times Money pages after 25 years at the coalface. Rotters. Friends said you have had a good run, getting away with it all these years, and I said piss off: I wanted to carry on. But breaking news. Have just had two new books commissioned. So come on Alejandro. Chin up. Something good is round the corner. Perhaps all-conquering, totally fab Spurs will want to sign you.

Also sympathies for Kevin De Bruyne, let go before he was ready to let go. He has done brilliantly at Man City all these years, and yet Pep has said thanks and goodbye. What is happening there? Phil Foden is also in the doldrums and Grealish is beginning to look hang-dog. Is Pep taking it out on them because by his standards he has had a poor season? Oh, it’s hard being a top footballer at a top team. You have further to fall.

Best crowd chants. Definitely the Bournemouth fans calling Man City “The Dirty Northern Bastards”. Having been brought up in Carlisle, I see Manchester as the Deep South. Are “Dirty, Northern and Bastards” terms of abuse these days? I did also laugh when the Arsenal fans, watching their team stuffing Real Madrid 3-0, sang, “Are you Tottenham in disguise?”

Fave commentator. Still the wonderful Ally McCoist. He really is, he really is, what I will say, what I will say, he really is my fave, tell you what though, that was a smashing comment, that really was, I have to say…

Farewell then, Gary Lineker. You did good. Though having Alan Shearer beside you must have helped make you look more human. Shearer is so obvious and laborious and humourless with the personality of a speak-your-weight machine. So yes, Gary, I will miss you.

Change of mind. I now like Fernandes of Man United. For so long I disliked his bad temper, playing for free kicks, his relentless complaining, all that waving and pointing his finger. Now I realise he is by far Man United’s best player, holding them together. They, like Spurs, have had a rubbish season, but at least Man United have a captain figure, who leads the lads. Spurs have no captain figure, now that Son is fading, alas.

Best hair. Who can it be? The razor marks have rather disappeared, long hair gone, no skinheads – what do they now do in the afternoons after training? Come on, get a grip, by which I mean a kirby grip. Remember them? So the best hair award goes to Garnacho. He has kept his bleached, beach-boy blond hair, regardless of all the annoyances in his life.

Next up: the Club World Cup in the US featuring the world’s top 32 clubs, all of them knackered, having played too many games. Will the greed of Fifa and Uefa eventually kill the golden goose?

And then… It is the Women’s Euros this summer. Mary Earps has retired and Millie Bright has pulled out, but come on, Lionesses, cheer us all up…